An open letter to a bird.

Mystery Bird,

I didn’t plan on having to write this letter, but at this point you leave me no choice.  Your constant stealing of my strawberries has gone too far and I feel the need to call you out.  Now, things didn’t have to be this way, but you apparently thought there was nothing wrong with parading around in my strawberry boxes eating whatever you wanted.  It’s not like you have even been sneaky about it!  You proudly stand next to the boxes when you’ve eaten your fill, and chirp to the world about what you have done.  That’s just cold.

What do you think youre doing?  I see you!

What do you think you're doing? I see you!

We weren’t always enemies, you and I.  I love birds… I tend to visit them in the pet store, zoos and backyards whenever I can.  You and your friends used to just simply fly around and give us something to look at… I didn’t bother you, you didn’t bother me.  It was a great arrangement for you and I, Mr. Mystery Bird…until *you* just had to go and change it.  Does your greed know no bounds?  You have access to all the bugs, non-garden plants and french fries you can eat so why add my strawberries to that list?  At that, why can’t you simply eat one and just be on your way?  No, you’d rather peck at random berries, ruining them all with little mystery bird beak marks!  Apparently if you can’t eat them, no one will.  If that doesn’t reveal your true colors, I don’t know what will!


These are mine, not yours.

Now, I’m sure at this point you think you’ve got nothing to worry about.  I mean, what am I going to do to you?  Well, my friend, perhaps you hadn’t noticed, but I live with cats.  Yeah, that’s right… and you know what else?  I’ve been showing your picture to them and perhaps the next time you show up, the screen door may be open.  This isn’t a threat, just saying, I may get forgetful.  I’d hate for anything to happen to you, so perhaps you could go and visit someone else’s garden and we could avoid all these issues.

You think youre invincible, dont you?

You think you're invincible, don't you?

At this point I don’t know what else to say.  I don’t even know what kind of bird you are (you have failed to ever introduce yourself) or where you come from.  Are you perhaps a Western Meadowlark?  A Melanistic Robin?  A Starling?  Who knows… at this point, I’m not sure if I really care to know.  I really don’t want to have to escalate our conflict, seriously, I don’t want to fight you, but you are giving me very few other options.  Hopefully this letter makes you think about what you have done, how it has affected me, and how I will retaliate.  The ball is in your court, bird… don’t make me have to take this to the next level.



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3 Responses to An open letter to a bird.

  1. Mike Mike says:

    Thanks for posting, I’ll definitely be subscribing to your blog.

  2. Pingback: Garden ‘09: Week 10 | Food Geekery

  3. Hi Jason,

    Thanks for all the strawberries, but I must complain that I would like to see more of a variety in your garden next year. I expect some raspberries or blackberries, you know, a little something different to mix it up a bit.

    And while we’re on the subject of your garden, I also expect the bird baths to be refilled on a daily basis, preferably twice a day but I understand that you work and stuff so once a day will suffice. Preferably in the AM, too, so I can bask and enjoy the morning sun.


    Mr. M Bird

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